teetalks

Consistency in habits is a lifelong punishment I have to endure. It’s something I’ve always struggled with, even for things I enjoy doing, I cannot be consistent. That leads me here, also inconsistent in my writing, my efforts of expressing myself through literature failing me because I am a lazy person. When I’m at work I’m diligent and my brain is processing as much information and as clearly as possible, peoples lives are on the line! As soon as those scrubs are off, I am lazy and forgetful, my brain shifts into pleasure mode and I forget what to do next. I had a revelation recently, I never handled stress well which is not the revelation but that my form of stress comes out in impulsive decision making. I’ve been an impulsive shopper since I can remember, I have a lot of really cool shit in my room but thats not as impressive as owning a home or traveling internationally. I realized that because of my overwhelming stress, it created self doubt. I am a confident no bullshit kind of person and when stress outweighs any control or joy I have in my life I crumble, thats not nuance, it’s just being a person. I impulsively went back to school to change careers to major in psychology with no real end goal other than “get out of nursing”. This was stupid, which is harsh but true. As much as I may have reaffirmed things I already know from studying psychology in my early 20’s before deciding on becoming a nurse, I got so bored. The appropriate thing would have been to get an apartment with my boyfriend sooner and save more money. It’s fine, we sent in an application today. Things make more sense now.

Over the weekend I had some validation from patients who are being discharged home and said they’ll miss me, which makes me grieve for their friendship. Some patients expressed how good I am at my job and they hope I continue my education so I can become a teacher and make more nurses like me which is profoundly moving. Someone who has insecurities, self doubt, is looked at like a beacon of hope. One patient was fairly unwell and I requested interventions based on my observations and when all was taken care of she held my hand and said “thank you for taking care of me the way you do, no one does it like you”. Honestly, it made me cry. Not only because that is such an honor but makes me sad that this isn’t the baseline for all nurses. I had a patient in hospice getting closer to death say “I’m glad you’re here with me”.

BROKEN, how could I be more honored, to give the gift of peace to someone when they are soon taking their last breath. I have cried alone with my patients when family can’t get there in time or don’t want to be there. All grief is individual, some families are broken and they don’t want to participate, some people truly can’t handle the experience of death, everyone has a right to how they deal with the loss of a loved one. Just recently I had a patient who was new to me pass away during my shift. I didn’t know this person, he was in hospice and we were facilitating his comfort until he passed away. He had a family member come to visit, we were strangers. She sat with him and said she couldn’t wake him and asked if I could check his vital signs, I did. He was dying, not suffering. His breathing was labored so I made it easier for him and she felt that was enough for her to see and went home. An hour went by and his breathing became more labored, gasping and struggling so I let family know. She asked me to call every hour to keep her updated so I did. The last phone call I had with her was the hardest part, I told her it would be tonight but that he isn’t suffering. She asked what to do, should she come, how long will it take, is he alert at all? I said, no one ever knows what to do, death is the greatest mystery we’re all trying to figure out how to process, even though it is inevitable and something every person in every culture has faced since forever and will happen literally forever. I said we can let her in the building at any hour and if she doesn’t come, that is also ok.

She choked up and said “I want to thank you for your compassion and kindness, I know he hasn’t been your patient but you have been so kind to us”. I started to cry and it’s not only because she’s confused, unsure how to grieve his oncoming death but because she thanked me for compassion. That doesn’t seem fair, or right. Everyone, especially in this field should be kind and compassionate, no matter if you like this person or not, if you know them or not. I was changed by that phone call with a stranger.

I need to be a nurse.

Continuing to the next day, my coworker was exhibiting a lot of frustration and annoyance with her patient. She kept complaining about how annoying he was to her and I snapped. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, we are here to help the helpless, you don’t have to be friends with them. I was furious, someone died last night, he died without family beside him. This “annoying” patient is longing for his wife who waited on him hand and foot at home, his entire routine and life has been uprooted because of illness. Be kind, be patient. My outburst was not enlightening enough to my coworker who I ended up talking to the charge nurse about, this behavior was unacceptable to me because I ended up intervening and helping. The actual annoying part was this nurse was avoiding a request to put lotion on the patients legs. At least he wasn’t choking! I would rather have my patient complain that they dropped their remote on the floor and can’t reach it rather than “hey so I have chest pain”. Some people are in the wrong career, but I can tell myself one thing. I am not. Whether I remain bedside or I become a teacher as my generous boyfriend says “teach people compassion”, this is the right career path for me.

An honor is not profound enough of a word to express being with someone when they are dying. It is a gift, it is grief, it is the pinnacle of the human experience. I am here to support, give peace and serve humanity in times of need. In times of desperation, illness, fear and anger.

I’m sure at some point I’ll change my mind again, when I’m angry at the lack of care from coworkers or doctors but this is where I am supposed to be.