teetalks

My hormones affect me greatly, I am so easily swayed by irritability and fatigue. I know being diagnosed with PCOS and endometriosis is an “answer” for “understanding” but how am I supposed to deal with this? Hmmm herbal tea, avoid carcinogens, avoid caffeine and sugar and also even though you’re in pain do weight lifting and do yoga and don’t stare at screens and you caaaan eat chocolate before your period but estrogen likes carbs or is it progesterone or what about my testosterone is everything I’m eating feeding that and thats why there’s fucking hair on my chin?????

Sorry for the run on sentence but this experience is a run on. Running on, running through, running around. I am never more tired than I am….always. I never handled stress well, internalizing everything so severely that I triggered a genetically predisposed auto immune disease. Wonderful.

Yes folks, I also have ulcerative colitis. I was in a terribly mentally and emotionally abusive relationship in my very early 20’s. What should I call that, a doozy? It was torture, someone making me feel bad after we had sex because it was the day after the last day of my period, oops. Sorry I didn’t vacuum everything out you psychopath. Not only did he try humiliate me by “asking friends for advice”, it shouldn’t have been a discussion at all. Many more layers of damage but that one still sticks out, sorry for the almost invisible stain less than the size of my fingernail on your sheet dude. I’ll write a letter to Eve and ask her what her deal was, why all women are tormented for eternity because she was “curious selfish and disobedient”. I definitely relate to Lilith, she ain’t got time for these fools.

However, I was not so sure of myself at 19 and 20, I’ve always been forward and assertive but easily bruised by someone else’s insecurity and cruelty. I wish him well I guess, or burn in hell.

Anyway, my best friend was married over the weekend and it was the best wedding I had ever been to. She asked me to be maid of honor and I truly was honored. So much stress delivered all year, planning the bridal shower and getting other people to help you achieve your vision makes me feel like Martha Stewart. She was the first self made woman billionaire so if my mom calls me “controlling”, I just remind her of Martha and her tv show we watched religiously. The home maker billionaire.

I would not do that again, only because I don’t handle that stress well. I’ve been on medication since I was 20/21 with this diagnosis and the dr I had put me on the highest dose and condemned me to dependency. My hair falls out, I’ve gained a ton of weight. Granted, I’m in my 30’s but I’ll blame 3 diseases that have me pinned against a wall. Plus a little indulgence. When I’m stressed I tend to spend. I have a lot of really cool stuff, really nice clothes and it’s all garbage. I’ve been on adventures and made memories but all this money, I should have saved to see a holistic dr who says “yes eat pizza and also we can heal your gut”.

Anyway, autoimmune disease I read, is more prevalent in women because we’re taught to be people pleasers. LET ME TELL YOU, I was one for a very long time, sometimes that old personality creeps in. Guilt is a huge proprietor of my disease. I felt guilt that my period wasn’t immediately dried up and 100% over, I felt guilt that I was pretty and other men looking made him jealous, I felt guilt that I was smarter, made more money, was funnier, was more social, guilty for being myself.

Where did Theresa go?

Inside, I went inside and I never came back out. I’m still hiding it feels, even when I do the things I want to do, I don’t want to. I feel like I should save my paint for when I’m good at something, but still forgetting to reminding myself that to get good you need to practice. I sit and rot on my phone, instagram education says I’m in “survival mode”, maybe thats true. Dissociation, numbness and longing are at the forefront of my daily life constantly blinding me. Do I really feel this or is this made up? I went to the Ren Fair this year with friends, made my costume mostly from scratch as I usually do and I was on an emotional high all day. I was with Paul and my friends, I had a migraine and the first day of my period and still it was wondrous. I belonged in that company, the creative outcasts I guess, looking for theater in the daily life. The day after I came crashing down back into reality. Back to being a nurse, in my nurse costume, doing what I do best. Being lost.

Am I really here?