teetalks

Life can be so weird and sad sometimes. I’ve only ever felt lonely when im longing for something that doesn’t belong to me. my friendships have never felt lifelong, even the good ones. ever waiting for the eventual end, i grieve their loss before it comes. The friends I have now, I am unsure, if the love is real. Many friends don’t reach out and I wonder why, do you think of me? You don’t want to chat? Some friends I have that I’m very close to actually feel cruel and cold, realizing very late in life now that this isn’t something I want to be around. What do I do when I have no friend? Maybe I’ll write to Santa. I’m close with my parents which I’m lucky for, Paul is my hero and the best friend a girl could ask for. He’s my number one fan and supporter and maybe he really is all I need. A love I didn’t even know existed, unconditional, patient. He is true good love that I never saw coming and never believed I deserved or could find. 

It’s a week before Christmas and all through the house is sadness and ache, there’s even a mouse. I miss the feeling of Santa when I was little, my parents went to great measure to keep the fantasy alive. They went out a little after I was in bed and they threw rocks on the roof and had a special belt of bells that I never saw but heard with the rocks. They used separate hand writing and wrapping paper “from Santa”. They enchanted me and made magic real. Forever devastated when I figured everything out and then along the way into adult I decided to just fully believe in Santa anyway. I love the cheer and colors and music and hustle and bustle. I love the stress of finding the right gifts and family that’s mad at each other but still coming together with resentment for the holidays. You can’t beat home sweet home. Soon, Paul and I will be moving into our first apartment together and we can finally be grown ups with our toys on our own floor. His gundam buildable robot collection, all my miniature creations, both of our childhood stuffed animals. The walls adorned with muppets and cartoons and bric-a-brac and knick knacks. I don’t ever want to grow up, I don’t ever want to feel that magic has gone from my life. It is too joyous and wondrous to let go of, so I won’t. Next Christmas we can decorate our own tree with all three of the train sets we’ve collected for “one day”. All the vintage ornaments in boxes for “when we have our own home”. We’re so excited to go and pack and move and be in the quiet peace of love and comfort and our dog and the ashes of my dog. 

So when I’m sad and lonely, missing friends I don’t have, unsure of the friends that are around. I will always have Santa and I will always have Paul.