teetalks

Its been so long.

The apartment is now our home.

Not all of my things are here but Paul is, Shenzi’s ashes are and Angel is here.

We’re all stinkin up the place.

Ive never been so in love and in such grief at the same time. Ive never had the safety in a relationship to feel the sharp bitter cold sting of loss and have someone love me so deeply and calmly that I can just suffer in peace. Every day I think about my dog and how long it’s been without her and how unfair it is she isn’t a part of this new adventure with me. Where is she? It feels like she ran away and not that shes dead.

I watched her die, I watched the light leave her eyes.

I saw her spirit drift into heaven. It slices my throat every time I think about those last few moments with her. My mom and Paul with me, crying. Shenzi was so good and sweet, gentle funny girl.

In my grief, Ive realized that I do want to feel the pain and longing because I still have love to give. Paul makes pain so easy for me because he doesn’t hurry me through it. He’s not rushing me to heal or move on from her. Every time I say I miss her he understands and loves me even more.

The way Paul loves me , the easiest way to explain is, the way evolution has gently protected fawns. The canopy of trees has inspired the white speckles of safety cascading along the backs of little forest babes. To keep it safe and hidden in plain sight from predators. Pauls love for me is safe, protective, gentle and serious. No harm befalls me because I am protected by his sunlight. His love burns so brightly that I am safe in any forest.

No matter how broken or confused, terrified or awful I feel , he is unwavering. Holding me even more tightly so I know there is no doubt in his love for me and for us.

I don’t believe in soul mates because thats too easy , I choose Paul every time. In every way, my greatest and most sincere friend. I close my eyes and I see his , looking at me with the depth of love I cannot even describe. I hope I love him the way he deserves, the most genuine and gentle soul.

The joy in his eyes tucking Angel in to bed, I see him as a father and tucking our children in to bed. And them having the same joy in their eyes tucking in their dolls for bed.

I see our future and hear “my dad can help, my dad knows how”. “My dad will be there”.

Because Paul will be, he is now. Here, waiting, listening, loving, guiding. Paul is a safe space, he is solace.

Paul is my church and his love is my religion. His big chestnut brown beautiful eyes are my holy spirit and his kisses keep my faith. His long brown braided hair is my rosary and I pray every time I fold the locks and tie the knot. His voice sings hymns, bellowing deep like the crashing of waves.

Sanctuary, sanctuary, sanctuary.

Grief is slow and agonizing. Grief wants to mock you and make you angry, scream at life for being so cruel but love reminds you that this is the toll you pay and it is worth the cost.

I crack open my chest and show him my pain and he softens the load. He doesn’t take my pain and throw it away, he doesn’t take my pain from me, he said that it’s ok.

And it is ok.