teetalks

Holy shit it’s been a while.

Ya know, I really hate killing bugs, of any kind. I hate killing ants, spiders, accidentally having them hit my windshield makes me feel guilt for so long. Smacking a mosquito feels barbaric, I know they carry pathogens but it’s a life. I took its life. The only ones I don’t regret are flies and tics, although I do say a little prayer every time they’re crushed. Here little ant have some honey mixed with borax, I’ve tricked you, you fool!

What have I done? My life and comfort is more important than theirs? They were designed by evolution or god or whatever and here I am “ugh get out of my kitchen”. They are not inherently malicious, even a parasite is just living its life. I feel guilty stepping on grass, does it feel pain?

For millions of years we’ve traipsed all over grass and it has meant nothing to anyone except me being dramatic and feeling guilty about everything. I’m sorry little ants in my dogs food bowl, I have to kill you.

Sorry mosquito who is trying to just live, you have to die now.

I’m sorry.

Life has been so busy , work and moving into our home and I started doing yoga again and the dishes haunt me and the laundry mocks me and the piles of dog fur everywhere. I am a filthy renter because I don’t use bleach, on anything. It stinks and it’s evil, I don’t know, I think it’s evil, it just has evil vibes. No questions please.

Anyway, my best friend is having a boy, little baby Pio. He’s grown so much already and I can’t wait to meet him and hold him and love him and listen to him and feel sad to see that he’s growing but be equally proud and satisfied with how much he’s grown, as life goes.

I can’t wait to have a little stinker, I hope I have a girl. I’d want her to be ferociously delicate. Not wanting to pick flowers like me because, I feel guilty. They live here in the dirt, lovely nutritious nutrient nitrogen dense dirt and I’ve removed you from your home. Because I am SELFISH. I told Paul to never buy me a bouquet again, instead buy me a plant I can grow indoors away from its natural habitat. Forever guilty.

Mistakes I’ve made I try not to punish, well punish isn’t quite the word. I repent and forgive but I never forget my mistakes. I try so hard not to repeat them, except for wasting money on a gym membership. Sometimes I go for weeks and everything is great and I feel good and then I get bored. So I feel guilt about that. I feel guilt when food spoils, I try to use it all but alas. Waste. Guilt.

Two weddings, two sisters, Pauls sisters. We’re so excited, they’re lovely and their to-be-husbands are also lovely. It is such a treasure when friends feel like family.

Soon is Shenzi’s anniversary of her passing. The 14th to be precise, one whole year. I had an artist commission a picture and it is so sweet. She’s sleeping, with rainbows draped around her. I will light a candle for her then, her spirit. I hope she’s swimming in glimmering shimmering warm water, splashing and splooshing and being a goof. A goofy good sweet girl. Time has passed and I am not healed but the sting is less stingy. Angel is here and she’s a good great goodest girl. She keeps me company and now I think she loves me more than Paul, don’t tell him I said that.

Recently I watched the movie “youve got mail” with meg ryan and mr tom. I watched it three times in three days, it felt so good to be in the 90’s again.

YOUVE GOT MAIL.

The dial up sounds were tingling my spine, remember those noises, the comfort of nostalgia. She owns a book store in the movie and god dammit I always dreamt of having that one day. A children’s bookstore with colorful paint or wall paper and games and puzzles and big wooden characters as bookshelves so everyone felt like they were in the story books. Nothing beats the high of the scholastic book fair am i right.

Just wanted to share my guilts. Ignoring this website and my thoughts and journaling. Therapy has been good but I cut back because I feel much less broken. I am so loved and I love me so. Things are better, some relationships will take time to mend but I don’t need to bend. I’ve changed plenty but I’m tired of tolerating a relationship instead of enjoying it. I hope she grows one day, she is wonderful but I think, broken. Ashamed of who she is for whatever reasons, they’re her own, I wouldn’t want to own the emotional burdens that make her difficult to have in my life.

Pauls mom has stunning rose bushes outside her house and she picked us some, I didn’t put up a fight because it made her feel good to share their beauty. They’re wilted now, so I feel guilty.