teetalks

Hello

I cant believe my life sometimes, I feel so clueless. I tend to be very polar, all in or all out. I fully agree or disagree and it changes. Relationships, friends, movies, music, I can be all or nothing. One day I am 100% more of my 100% self and agreeing with a career path, then I change my mind. Is this just being a person?

I thought someone would exit my life forever and then here they are. Another one I wanted to leave forever and they still trickle in. Ive never been good at managing emotions, boundaries or understanding someone else’s place in my life. Not so much being codependent but, what is their role? Does having the title of friend or best friend or work friend or family friend make any difference if I cant discern how I feel? Seeing it in black and white as I write it down makes it seem like I don’t believe in anything. Am I easily influenced or sway-able?

This is especially true with politics. How easily perspective can change depending on the media influx or conversation with someone you know.

What’s a girl to do?

I am easily motived by my hormones, PMDD and all that. My sudden paranoia that I have no control over. Nothing rational tethers me to reality. Do my hormones make my decisions for me? Am I being manipulated by some parasitic hormone demon?

But! What about accountability!

I am not evil, I am not pure. I am compassionate and curious. Thats my only truth.

What I try to do is be honest in my understanding and curiosity by being transparent and non kidnapped. However, when emotions enter the chat I am at their mercy.

Depends if Im angry, confused, hurt, proud. I stand on my own two feet and then… I change my mind.

One thing I absolutely am is loyal. Loyal to being confused.

I know I love Paul, thats not a question or worry in my mind. This does not waiver. He tethers me to reality no matter what my emotions tell me.

Is that codependency?!

Honestly who cares. Ive never been so loved, safe, seen, supported, understood, respected, encouraged. He is my hero.

On a side note, I realize one thing I don’t like is gossip. I don’t like when people gossip for the sake of being entertained by others troubles. I know the term was coined by men to have women sharing information be hushed but it’s evolved beyond that.

Complaining and judging for the sake of making yourself feel superior in some way has always made me feel yucky and I remove that type of characteristic from my life. I am not better than anyone. Honestly, I am no one.

The point of this post was to put myself back in this space. The mind isn’t organized, especially mine and it’s ok to change your mind. Life is messy and that’s what makes it special. Everyone has their own little mess.

Messy and happy.