teetalks

Another old friend got married today and the joy she deserves is immeasurable, uncountable, forever, infinite

I am sorry to all of the women in my life I have let down. I feel it most when I celebrate the women I love. The times I have failed them. My sensitivity sneaks up and I push myself away from them , hard, permanently. Sometimes they can let me back in but I know I don’t deserve it.

I am not worthy, truly. Even if I have changed and grown, those old stings have stung me into a scar. I cannot forgive myself, I have never gotten over anything ever in my life.

If they forgave me it is because they are good, not me. I am forever wishing for closeness again, seeing the true gem for its worth, always. I am not worthy.

Maybe one day I will be but even then, I do not want them to let me back in. Though they may be saints, I am the fool.

The fool of mistakes.

The fool for love, loving the wrong way. Not loving myself enough to love them the right way.

Im working on it, Im always working on it.

It. Myself. Working things out, wringing out the old sopping tears, years of regret.

I love you ladies, I always will.