teetalks

contamination.

I have spent so much time analyzing relationships and my place in them. Whether I’m important to them, if they’re healthy for me, where is this going, is this my best friend, is this a lover, do they truly see me and care about me, is this a place holder, a lesson, an old wound. Either way, I realized that the people I’ve cut from my life contaminated every aspect even beyond my platonic and romantic relationships.

This recent friday my best friend of 22+ years had an album release show. I saw people in ways I have not seen them for my entire life, even when we were close. I finally saw the way they loved me.

For years I have felt, trapped? Blinded, misguided. Something in my gut kept telling me to close that door and I kept ignoring it. I finally shut it and locked it. I didn’t make an enemy, only a memory.

Because I moved myself away from this relationship, everything has finally become more and more clear. True, genuine friendship was available to me all along, I just needed to make myself see it. These people never left my life, we all took a pause. Even some people who I never had an intimate friendship with, people who I thought never wanted to be a part of my life had become available in new ways. I finally, saw them.

I can see me too now.

These old friendships are solid as stone and are unchanged. Standing in a sacred circle of women who guided me for so long in my life. When I look back at my old memories and how I thought they saw me, I was always wrong. They did love me and do love me, that has never changed. What changed was allowing myself to be loved.

I feel freer now than I ever have. No longer an open wound.

One image that always replays in my head is from a party I hosted. One person holding me hostage away from those who loved me without rules, without harm and without expectation. All friends were a threat to this main friendship I had to maintain. Why did I abandon myself for so long. Why wasn’t I standing up for myself?

Maybe one day I’ll explore that more but for now, it doesn’t matter.

I am free, I am loved.