teetalks

Hello.

I was up late last night thinking about things as one does and I had something written in my head and then went to bed. Naturally. I forgot.

What was on my racing mind is usually my relationships, current, past, future. What they’ve given or taken away and what I learned about myself from enduring some, ending some, hoping for some.

I have never had a lifelong friend that wasnt family and maybe its because Im an only child or maybe because I keep picking the wrong people.

I am a servant in one sided friendships.

I cannot and will not withhold my generosity, compassion, availability and kindness. Somehow I have been met with selfishness, judgment, expectations, rules and confinement.

Recently a friendship ended and I didnt intend to end it or plan on it ending but thats how it went. There was no hair pulling or skin scratching, just “hey Im over you too”. That was that.

It felt like a long time coming, why did I hold on to someone whose friendship was not emotionally or spiritually reciprocal. I was met time and time again with cruel judgment, impatience, control. What caused me to endure such treatment.

There was no abuse but I neglected myself and what my gut told me through all the years of these friendship. Every time I silenced myself and backed away, I should have stayed away.

Hopefully the version of me Im recognizing again will be firmer with listening to myself. Not ignoring my discomfort, the insensitive comments or lack of compassion.

I dont need someone to be as available generous or thoughtful, just kind.

I was not met with kindness but their version of it which was actually control. if they feel differently, it doesn’t matter anymore. The friendship is over.

So be it.