teetalks

Solar eclipse today. Such a special and rare moment to experience with the entire world. Everyone worshipping, or ignoring. Not noticing.

The light shifts and I think if anyone else notices like I do. Like how right after golden hour, the colors of life are so vibrant. Like life on film, a glow. I live in these little pockets of time where I notice when Im present. Its a novel experience and it feels so primal. It feels like being alive and not living. Being alive as an animal and noticing.

I realize I have fought reality my whole life and I live in daydreams. Apparently, maladaptive daydreaming is a trauma response. Not a surprise. CPTSD comes in many colors and some of them flatter me. ADHD, has been a gift and a curse. Hyperfixation, distraction, forgetfulness, creativity, critical thinking. It also came with hypermobility, bumping into doorways, hitting my head on things all the time. Tripping and falling.

In my head my daydreams feel more real, like thats my real life. When I pause during my day and realize I have a job that Im good at, that seems fake.

I see the world around me and I am almost never connected to her, never connected to me.

Late in life I learn this is depersonalization, derealization. Eternally lost.

Sometimes I can feel it all but it only comes, as an eclipse.